Zakuro..

" I screamed out your name
Even my voice will probably never reach you
But you know, now I'm ok with that
Some day in my heart you'll be..

I'll dream tonight, dreams of you
Because of that letter I put under my pillow
My dreams are too cruel, my breath is cut off
I always painfully awaken at four in the morning
Time is too long
Time is too painful
The dreams don't stop
Love freezes to death
Cold night..
On such a long night..
My consciousness splintered and powdered
Memories scattered about
Holding your ring so tightly that my tears wet the pillow

So I couldn't hear it
I blocked my ears to your voice
Another scar added to my wrist
Melting into the wound.. you..

I am breaking..
Burning the letter
It's reduced to ash
I am breaking..
Destroy my heart
I am breaking..
Losing you..
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I am breaking..
I love you..
I love you..
I love you..
I love you..
I love you..
I am..
I love you..
I love you..
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I am breaking..
Losing you..
I love you!!
I love you!!
I love you!!
I am.. "


It's 4:00 Am.. in a cold morning of May..
Locked inside my room.. I can't see.. I can't touch.. I can't feel.. I can't hear.. I can't love.. you..
I can't love you ? Can I ?
I can.. I want.. inside me, a burning fire threatens me.. it would like to turn me to ashes.. now that my heart's all destroyed.. cut into pieces..
Should I give up ?
I don't know who I am or what I am.. " My consciousness splintered and powdered " lies on the dirty floor, confusing me more and more, tempting me to enter in the fog.. but I'm already in..
I quietly start to cry, unable to resist the excruciating, agonizing pain flowing through my body..
I can almost taste it, even though I don't want to..
My dreams are all pierced by your presence.. still lurking behind my dirty tears.. behind my splintered consciousness..
The already wet pillow won't be warm anymore now that you're gone.. it will always be hard and cold.. just like the pieces of what was my heart once are now..
Oh, how I'd love to stab myself in the back with that knife.. but I won't, because I'm sure that you'll suffer.. or not ? Will you, baby ? Would you even turn that wonderful smile of yours in a sad face when you'll see my dead body lying on the floor ? Would you spill one of your sacred, beautiful tears on my body when you'll see me, breathless, lying there ? Would you ?
You would not.. or perhaps you would.. but I don't want to die right now..
Breaking into shards, just like a diamond that has been corrupted and left alone in an empty store of an evil and filthy seller.. I'm searching for a place to call my own..
This home I live in.. I can no longer call it home.. not mine.. not my own.. it was ours.. every part of it keeps your smell.. keeps a memory of you.. still lingering there..
I take a walk, gathering all the memories in which you are and scatter them on the floor.. seeing how beautiful it was..
You're happy now, I know..
You're happy now and inside the destroyed self of mine, I am happy too.. because you're smiling.. that's all I ever wanted.. to see you smile..
I'm glad you left me behind just to find your smile.. I'm glad I could helped you with at least that small, uncountable thing..
The sky is so nice.. the dawn is making it's entrance in the greatest way possible.. and I still miss you..
But it's over now.. and I still can't wake up.. I still can't deny the dreams I have.. in which we're kissing and smiling and playing in such a nice and.. soft way..
I slap myself..
Goodbye..



And now, a song which always makes me burst into tears, if not cry with a river.. Zakuro.. by Dir en Grey